So it’s Thursday again and I’ve been staying home being ill since last Friday with tonsillitis. I was spending my days mostly in bed the past days, either because of sore throat or side effects of antibiotics that I’m taking since Monday.

Being ill, staying at home and being unable to do much is not a good thing for my condition, it has rendered me moderately depressed (moderately depressed for me means, that I’m perfectly stable in terms of that I still want to live).

This evening I have a Taiko drum course at 20:00 which I previously had lots of fun going to. But at 17:00 I started getting anxious about it. More specificly about things like:

  • Will I have enough stamina yet for the whole course?
  • Will my shoulder muscles be too stiff and cause pain?

The second one is probably a valid question, but I know consciously that I can opt-out at any time if it gets too much. Same goes for the first one.

So why not go there and have fun as long as I can? Now the mystery of anxiety hits me. I am feeling bad about it, feeling immensely tired for a moment (subconsciousness signalling me to not go?), I am covered in doubt about myself and unable to find a clear answer for my fears.

I decided to take a power nap for 30 minutes, which went into ~10 minutes being anxious, ~5 minutes being relaxed and then I stopped trying to nap because I was having the urge of writing this blog post about it. I feel like this helped in the decision to go there. The anxiety is not fully gone, but definitely dampened now.

I must remember: I go to this course to have fun, to forget my sorrows for a while, to have phsyical exercise. I can opt-out at any point and I know that my body does tell me when hitting the limits.

Update:

I’m glad that I went there. I managed to do the whole course without longer interruptions and it was a lot of fun moving my body to the rythm (especially after 6 days of doing nothing). At the end of the 90-minute session they introduced a part of a “dance” around the drums as well, which I felt somewhat awkward in, as I’m really bad in copying and remembering complex body movements. I also developed a few blisters on my hands and will have some sore muscles tomorrow. But that is not much of a problem as it will heal quickly.

I also had a bit of a chat with the tutors and participants and got complimented on my colorful scarf, which I knitted earlier this year. :)

Overall I’m quite happy now. Now if I ask myself why I was anxious about it earlier? I cannot answer that question. But I see anxiety as a trap; And I’m so glad I didn’t fall into it!